The Journey Begins

A caterpillar is a wondrous creature. It goes out into the world looking for nourishment to help it live and grow. Then there comes a time that it transforms itself into something new and wondrous.  In order to get to this new and wondrous state the caterpillar must go through great struggles.  We are all like this caterpillar going out into the world looking for nourishment where ever we can find it and in the process we conquer own struggles.

This blog is about my journey out into this great big world.  I will share with you my struggles and my successes.  I normally don't like to share my inner most thoughts with others because well they are personal and most people don't seem to understand them.  This being said I want to put myself out there because I have met so many people that have gone through or are going through a lot of what I have. I have always said if I can help one person, then it is worth sharing my story.

Finding Me!

By this time in my life I thought that I would be settled into domestic bliss with a family and a beautiful home.  Ok, yea I know it would not be blissful all the time but we all have that fantasy somewhere in the back of our minds.  So as you can tell from my opening statement I am not living in wedded bliss and I do not have children.  I think out of the fantasy the one thing I do have is my own home.  I am very proud of that but I want more.  I am not sure exactly what I want though, but I do know I want more.

Wanting more has led me to seriously think about my life and the people in it.  I love everyone who enters my life.  I love them because they make me better.  At the same time they make me worse.  I am better because I want to make their worlds better and in turn I give more of myself and become a better person.  This is also what makes me worse.  I give so much of myself that there is nothing left for me.  There is no one out there feeding my soul or looking after me.

I think a lot of people don't think I need the same soul feeding that they need because I am the one always feeding others.  They figure that I have my life put together.  But the truth is no one has their entire lives put together.  There is always room for people to love and care for me.  Many people around me would say, "You are loved."  They would be right, but just like them I need people to show me that love and make me feel it to my core.

I am looking to start feeding my soul.  I want adventures to lead me to my happiness.  I know happiness is not found in things, places or other people but I am hoping these things will help me find my happiness inside myself.

 So let the adventure begin!


I know there are many who feel the same way.  Please let me know your thoughts.

Breakfast From the Heart

Something very powerful happen to me today.  I bought someone breakfast.  I know that doesn't sound like it was a big deal but for me it was.  

My mom and I went out to breakfast this morning.  As we were walking into the building someone approached me.  He asked me if I had any money to spare.  I could tell this young man was homeless and has gone through some hard times out on the street.  

I rarely carry any money on me and today was no different.  I told this young man that I had no money on me. But instead of going on about my business words spit out of my mouth before I realized what they were and before I could stop them.  I told him "I couldn't give him any money but I could buy him breakfast."  I think we were both a little surprised.  His face lit up and and he responded with an enthusiastic "Ok."  As this dialogue was going on I realized there was a woman sitting behind him on the ground.  I ask her if she would like breakfast too.  She was a little surprised and happy.  She got up and joined the young man.  

I held the door open for the couple as they walked in.  We waited for the person to come and take our order.  The couple was fidgeting and a little nervous.  As I watched them I realized they were not sure what the could order. I told them to order what ever they wanted.  The only thing that came into my mind was that these two might not have anything else to eat today.  I wanted them to order what they needed to get through the day.  Then very sheepishly the young man asked me with his head down if he could order an extra hamburger for his friend.  I smiled and said of coarse.

The couple ordered their meal and waited patiently for their order.  They were very gracious and said thank you a couple times. 

This one encounter with this couple warmed my heart.  It made me feel so good.  Not because I was going to be recognized or praised for doing something for someone less fortunate.  But because I treated someone as a human being. 

I have heard and read a lot things said about the homeless.  How its not our problem.  They need to get off the street and get a job.  They are making the city unsafe for us and so much more.  I am not saying that these statements are untrue.  In some cases they are very true and in others they're not.  

When everything is said and done I want to be judged for what I have done on this earth, not for what others have done.  I want to be judge for treating a fellow human being as a person. For lending a hand to someone who could not repay me.  For doing what I know is right.  And I hope someone out there in this great big world feels the same and will treat me with that same respect.

Date Night

Tonight I took myself out for a date night.  It is not the first time I have done this. In fact I have done it many times through out the years.  But this time it was different.  I went to see a movie that I have been wanting to see.  It was funny and cute and had all the romantic things that "girly movies", as they call them, have. It made me laugh and flash into moments of fantasy.  Come on girls we all have those moments that we fantasize about the perfect guy, date, situation or life.  But as those moments flashed for me it also brought about memories of what could have, should have been.  That is when the tears started flowing.  And you know what I let them flow.

After the movie I went downtown.  There was a festival going on and I wanted to check it out.  As I was driving I passed this little Italian restaurant that I have been wanting to try for a while. I noticed it was open.  So I parked and went in.  It was a nice cozy little place that would be perfect to take someone out on a first date.  When I walked in there was an older couple sitting enjoying a glass of wine and good conversation.  They looked very happy.

The waitress sat me near a window and went on about her business.  I looked over the menu.  Everything on it sounded so yummy.  After putting in my order I looked out the window at all the cars passing by and the park across the way.  I loved the feeling that I was getting from this place.  It made feel like I was in a fifties dinner, just sitting watching time pass me by.

While waiting for my meal I began thinking about those would haves and should have.  I began thinking about my ex and how much I missed him and that I would like to be back together with him.  But then I stopped because I knew I was just thinking of all the good times.  I did not think of all the bad times that we went through. Then it dawned on me. He would never be in this little restaurant,  And if he was it would be just to humor me.  There would be no enjoyable conversion or thinking of the future.  It would be a quiet dinner with barely any talking and a lot of can we go now.

That's when I realized I was happy to be there by myself.  I have never been the one to need a man in my life.  But I have always wanted one.  The man that I want is someone who truly wants to be with me, for who I am.  Until that guy comes into my life I am happy to take myself out for date nights.  I will not be ashamed or embarrassed to be out alone.  For I know until that right man comes into my life I will take myself out and treat myself the way I know I should be treated.